Geek jokes

Note: “I” here doesn’t mean “me.” It’s some guys who posted their true experience on the web.

Joke 1

One of our customers, a major non-US defense contractor, complained that their code ran too slowly. It was a comedy of errors.

Act I

Contractor: “Can you make our code run faster?”
Tech Support: “Yes, but we have to take a look at it.”
Contractor: “We can’t, the code is classified.”
Tech Support: “Can you explain to me what your code is doing?”
Contractor: “No, that’s classified.”
Tech Support: “Can you tell us what functions you use?”
Contractor: “No that’s classified.”

Act II

So, on a hunch, we sent them the latest version of our software for Windows NT.

Contractor: “Why is this running faster on our 800MHz Pentium than on our VAX?”
Tech Support: “When did you buy that VAX?”
Contractor: “Some time in the late 1980s.”

Act III

Finally, some of their code was declassified. We looked at it, and one piece of it contained a routine for reading one million or so integers from a file. Rather than opening the file once and reading them all in, there was a loop: it would open the file, read the first integer, and close it; then open it again, read the second integer, and close it; etc.

Joke 2

I ran across this gem while debugging someone else’s old code once:

if (value == 0)
return value;
else
return 0;

Joke 3

One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.

Me: “First you need to open DOS-prompt. I’ll guide you–”
Customer: “MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?” (click)

Joke 4

A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: “Ok, we’re going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed.”
Customer: “How do I know if everything is closed?”
Me: “Make sure all windows are closed.”
Customer: “But…I’m in the basement. I don’t have any windows here.”

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

Joke 5

Tech Support: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not.”
Tech Support: “What program is it?”
Customer: “It’s called ‘MSDOS Prompt’.”
Tech Support: “What’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: ‘C:\WINDOWS>’, and it just sits there and doesn’t do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows.”

Is it madness or stupidity?

I have a scenario. Imagine! You are working on a project on your beloved Windows XP application, but suddenly, it restarted by itself and when it booted, it said, “Operating System Not Found.” What would be your reaction? Would you give your PC a finger? Or, would you borrow your friends’ finger to give it another finger? Would you curse the day or kill Bill Gates?

Well, that situation has never happened to me, but I “proudly” have had several BSODs (Blue Screen of Deaths)—I cursed Bill Gates for that. Anyway, that situation, that the operating system is not found, is happening at the language lab at the university where I’m studiying. So, for the past few Mondays, we haven’t been using computers during our lab session because the operating system is not found in the teacher’s system. Several weeks before that, the department, I don’t know which department, actually had several guys from Liechtenstein fix the computers, because, as is reported by my teacher, some of the computers didn’t work as expected. My question is, were the computers really fixed? How come is everything still not working? Some are actually working, but some others aren’t. And, the operating system in the teacher’s computer has never been found (I just had to laugh for this part).

Yes, it’s Windows XP and there’s always a problem with that system, although it is far more superior than it’s successor, Windows Vista, but, there’s always a “but,” the level of XP’s stability is always a question mark. How stable is it?

I did a little online research on “Operating System Not Found” and Microsoft has the “solution” to that. First, blame the hardware company, because they built sucky and shitty components. Second, don’t curse and kill Bill Gates yet, because Microsoft does have a “solution.” And I asked myself, really?

Indeed, the first solution is to make sure if BIOS (Basic Input-Output System) recognizes the hard disk. If it doesn’t, yes, blame the hardware manufacturer. Tell them not to build shitty components again. The second “solution” that Microsoft offers is to use the fixmbr command in the Windows XP Recovery Console to repair the (Master Boot Record) MBR of the startup partition. Before doing that, as is further noted by Microsoft, you have to backup your data, be it pornographic pictures or movies that you downloaded from the internet or your homework (I’m being serious!). I thought I misread the part on backup, but it really did say that you “have to” backup your data before using the command. Now, how can you backup your data if you cannot access your operating system? You cannot access the GUI at all and…Help me here! I’m lost.

Now, let me ask you again. How can I backup my data if the operating system is not found? (Naturally, I’m addressing this to Microsoft). It seems like we’re too late to backup our data, because we’re already screwed. When we buy our desktop or laptop, does Microsoft or the hardware manufacturers or the vendor tell us to back up our data? I mean, is it stated anywhere in the box? So, if we have that problem, that the operating system is not found, and we never backup our data, whose fault is it? Say, I don’t know anything about computers and I’m so naive about it. Who should I blame? Microsoft, the hardware manufacturer or the vendor? Or, should I just kill Bill Gates? (When can we get to this part?)

I can buy their inputs on how to solve the problem, but, come on. How, again, can you backup your data when it’s already too late? It makes it sound like “Everything’s OK! Don’t get panic yet.” No! Nothing is OK. We’re doomed, especially if we have to reinstall the system.

I do admit that fixing the MBR can help solve the problem and your data is safe, but…